When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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