can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
