My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
