She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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