Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
