where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just cropdusted the office
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
