There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
