things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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