Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
