I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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