Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
