areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
