Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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