I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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