Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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