Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
