Dual....:-)
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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