Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
