my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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