These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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