you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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