I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize