Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
