There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
