Church boner. Awkwardddd
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
