We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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