There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
