I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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