Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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