evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
