I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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