guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
