Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
