you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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