its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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