Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
