You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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