I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
