Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
