I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
