he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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