I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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