and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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