yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
