I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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