she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
