its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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