if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
