I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
