she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
