I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
