you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
