I CAN MOONWALK!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
