What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
