3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
