M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
