yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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