pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
