just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
