My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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